37. It's all here

- Ok then, Ilari says to himself and feels unsecure. Tessa wiggles, wants down and Ilari let’s her to her own feet. She reaches for Ilari's hand and they go for living room hand in hand. Ilari draws a long breath. He isn't used to small children, doesn't know what to do. 

Tessa shows him her toys, brings them one by one to him with enthusiasted noises. 

- Is this going to take long? Ilari says aloud. 

- No, some minutes. It's going to pay off, I promise! Venla answers from kitchen. Delicious smell is filling the air and Tessa brings a book.

 – Winnie The Pooh? Ilari reads the cover and Tessa climbs to The couch and straigh into Ilari’s lap. -Ok. Ok, He says to himself. – I can do this. Ilari opens The book, starts to read aloud and his mind is going totally over. It feels he's torn out of his own life and thrown into some happyeverafter-fantasy. Venla's place feels so much more alive, more warmer and wellcoming than the place he used to call home with Virpi. More than his own family ever was. Venla looked so adorable in her dress and now that enthusiasted and trusting little kid sitting in his lap. Life can Be so cruel. This is all he ever really wanted deep down. A real home. A real Family.

- Everything ok? Venla says and kneels next to couch. Tessa got tired on middle of the book and fell into sleep. Ilari kept looking at her child and tried to find Venla's features on her small face but couldn't find any. Perhaps Tessa looks more like her father? 

- She fell into sleep, he says. -Just like that.

- Great! Well done! Venla smiles and touches Ilari's hand. - Was it that bad?

- I guess not, Ilari turn to look Venla and gulps. It’s all here if he would just reach out. All that could be. He's having hard time to contain all his feelings. 

 – Are you ok? Venla asks seeing something troubling him. Ilari frowns and sighs. 

- Yeah. I just… I don't know. 

– Want some coffee? Then you can tell me what you want from me? Venla suggests, stands up and gently lifts sleeping Tessa so Ilari can get up. Uh. What he wants from Venla? That was a very good question.

- Pancakes? Ilari looks at the tall pile on kitchen table. - You made pancakes. (Finnish pancakes are more like crepes than American pancakes.)

 -Mm. You need just the right warmth so they don't turn soggy or burned. That's why it's time critical. Ilari sits down and feels completely stunned. 

- I haven't had home made pancakes after teenage years. 

- Well, eat while they are still warm, Venla suggests. - And now you can tell me? 

- You are good with dogs, Ilari starts and hesitates. 

- And? 

– I have a thing where I cannot bring Lucky and I thought if you could take care of him? He feels a total a-hole to ask that now. 

– Hmm. When? Venla ponders the situation. 

- Tomorrow night? Ilari says and takes a bite. Taste brings so much memories from the time he and Iiro used to live with their granparents, when there was no more fear of tomorrow and suddenly he can't take it anymore. There’s too much emotions and memories. Fork drops from his hand. 

– What is it? Venla asks and Ilari just shakes his head, covers his face unable to speak. – Hey, it's okay, Venla says softly and hugs him. – You can tell me if you want? 

- I can't , Ilari says with suffocated voice. 

- It's okay anyway. Take your time, Venla caresses his arm gently. – You don't have to worry. I'll take care of Lucky anytime.

He was supposed to just come and ask for a favor. Ilari finds himself unwilling to leave. Venla doesn't push and gives him time to get his shit together and then they eat the pancakes. They taste better than Ilari remembered. Venla has some serious cooking skills.

After Tessa wakes up and has eaten, they end up watching Despicable Me. Laughing at really stupid ja hilarious animation really helps Ilari to get back on line. It's been quite a rollercoaster emotionwise and Ilari thinks should he cancel the date with Virpi. But he has promised himself that he wouldn't give up easily. Wouldn't just leave things behind like his own father did when things turned difficult. Broken things can be fixed and he needs at least to try. But same time he wants to stay here.