52. It's not what you think

Ilari is quiet for a time.

- I don't think it's going to work out with Virpi anymore. Thought I loved her, Ilari lays back and thinks. - Not sure of it anymore. I have developed quite strong feelings for someone else and it makes me doubt the whole thing, he confesses and looks Venla straight to the eye and touches her hand. - We wanted too different things with Virpi so I don't see future in there anymore. 

– So what do you want then? Venla is troubled. 

– A real home. A real family. Kids. Share a life. Sounds cheesy but to grow old together. 

- That’s a beautiful thought, Venla admits. 

– I know it can happen. My granparents were together till grandad died, he tells. – They were happy. I want the same. 

– To die? Venla chuckles trying to hide nervousness. 

- Dummy. To be happy. Love and be loved in return. 

– Wow. I never thought you’d be so romantic, Venla feels her heart beating faster. Careful now! Watch your step her concious mind is screaming, but her feelings run into opposite direction - You know, it’s not too late. 

- Mm. I know. I know Virpi isn’t going to be the one.

– But you keep going to her, Venla reminds.

– I don't get it, Venla frowns. – Man like you could get anyone I suppose. They fall silent again. 

– Yeah, I could go to a bar and a pick up someone, but then it would be just flesh, Ilari says. - Tried that before, didn't like it. Not my thing . 

- Hmm? 

– I want a connection. Feel something towards that person. You get more from it that way. 

- Is that why you have sex with Susanna too? 

- Come again? Ilari's eyes narrow. Venla wasn’t suppose to know this. – Who told you that? 

- Susanna? 

– I see. So this was it. Sounded so much worse when it came out like that.

 – Your reaction tells me enough, Venla says slowly. Blame and hurt in her eyes feels like a knife. 

- It's not what you think, Ilari says eventually 

- But she's your friend's wife? Venla looks troubled. 

– Toni knows and is ok with that. They are polyamoric you knew that, right? 

-Is he really? Ilari pinches the bridge of his nose. Fuck. This was bad. He was already underdog and now Susanna had told something that completely disturbed the balance. 

– Look. You got the wrong picture, he starts to explain.

- I'm not sure If I want to hear, Venla says and looks pained. - I think I want to go home now. She stands up. Ilari follows and grabs hold of her hand.

– I don't want you to leave without talking this thru. 

– I don't want to. 

– Listen to me. Then you can go If you want to 

- I can't handle this now, Venla shakes her head. Ilari turns her over so they're facing each other.

– It was never a regular thing and never when I was involved with someone. 

– I don’t know what to believe anymore, Venla whispers. 

– I’m not here to hurt you, Ilari says. He pulls his arms around Venla and she doesn't go away. 

– This is too much, she shakes her head. - I really want to go now.

Venla sits on her bed leaning to the wall separating her from Ilari. She got cold feet and ran away. Situation got so intense she just couldn't stay anymore, needed some time to gather her thoughts. She had left Ilari's place confused, feeling mixed emotions. Her feelings screamed to turn back and go into Ilari's arms and see where they could carry her. Her sensible side was in full alert but so confused she couldn't think straight. If Ilari was the type that tend to have lots of women to play with she didn't want any part of that. But he didn't seem like that. Ilari seemed so down to earth, genuine, and more open more time they spend together. Nothing made sense.