75. First time I have ever said it

- Did you ever wished you’d rather die? Venla says laying next to Iiro on floor. 

 - Many times, he sighes. - There were times when pain was so intense, kemos ravaged my system and I felt too exhausted to even breath anymore. I really hoped I’d die. That it would just end. 

– I know that feeling, Venla says quietly. - I still have nigtmares of the crash and trying to hold my mom’s hand. To hear her slowly give in and die. I just wanted to die too.

- Shit. That’s rough. 

There's long silence. 

– What brought you back? Iiro wants to know. 

– Antidepressants and Tanja. She made me believe that there’s still reason to fight and go on. That hope and life will bring new reasons to smile and feel happy about. 

- Sounds like Ilari, Iiro replies. - He did same for me and yeah, antidepressants helped too. Iiro gets thoughtful look. 

- F.32? Venla says. 

- F.32, Iiro confirms. (Diagnostic  code for depression)

- Seems were same on that too. 

– So, did you find your happy place? Iiro tilts his head.  Venla smiles. 

- I try to, she tells. – I guess I’m terrible at judging people and always end up with wrong people.

-  That must suck. Iiro looks sorry and can't make eyecontact anymore.

– I try to find happiness, but it’s damn hard. Though I may have found it now with your brother. When I’m with him I feel so… nah, you don’t want to hear this pink sugary vomit I was about to say, Venla shakes her head. - But when I’m alone I still need to remind myself that I’m still alive and I could do anything with my life. Sun shines and I’m able to move. 

Iiro nods. 

– I could start swimming again, compete again, but I feel that part died with cancer. I don’t want that anymore. It’s hard to find your place when you feel like a dead man walking. 

- Mm, Venla agrees. - Like you are lost cause in middle of the living. Iiro turns to look at Venla. 

- I think I love you. 

- Huh? Venla turns to look at him. 

– I never said it to anyone before. I mean it. 

They fall silent for a long time and tears slowly start to fall down to Venla’s cheeks.

 – Why are you crying? Iiro asks and tries to wipe them away. 

– It’s first time for me too. First time it has said to me, Venla sobs a little. 

– So let me love you, Iiro whispers and places a gentle kiss into Venla’s lips. 

- We shouldn’t be doing this, Venla frowns, feels already remorse. 

– Why not? 

– Because of Ilari, Venla wrings her fingers. 

– Why would he matter here? Iiro looks a little desperate.

– I feel I’m betraying him and it kills me. I think I’m starting to fall in love with him. 

-I heard you are good at disappearing. Venla remembers all the warnings about Iiro. 

- Oh. That, Iiro is silent for a long time. - I can’t promise anything. 

- I guessed that much. 

– It’s hard to let people close. 

– So you are basically running away if someone gets too close. Are you afraid of me? 

- No. Not you. You get me on so many levels. Mm, it IS scary. Iiro takes a deep breath. - Sorry. I truly am. It’s me not you thing. 

– Okay. So it’s let’s smile the next time we see case? 

– Don’t push it, Iiro says and he sounds surprisingly like Ilari when he’s annoyed. – I can’t promise anything. Bright future, happy everafter and so on. But I try. 

– I didn’t see this coming, Venla confesses. 

– To be honest, neither did I, Iiro laughs nervously. 

– But I’m already kinda involved with Ilari, Venla frowns. 

- You aren’t dating. You said so yourself. Iiro tilts his head. - Have you said you’re his girlfriend or vice versa? 

– No…, but I still feel bad.

– You know he was banging Virpi all this autumn. He’s been telling me how much he misses her and it’s hard to go on without her. Then why all the sudden he would stop that?

Venla doesn’t answer. 

– I thought we had a thing… Venla sighs.

 – Or you could be his rebound. Iiro says casually. 

– It’s hard to believe… 

- There’s still pics of Virpi in his phone and in his wallet. Check if you don’t believe me. 

Venla bends her head. That hurt. It really hurt. Venla remembers how Ilari looked when he was going to meet Virpi and thought they could come back together. He hasn’t shown that kind of smile to her. Was Ilari’s heart truly free? Is she letting her feelings and longing for love to cloud her judgement again? Maybe she was rebound after all. 

– I’m here and there’s no one else in my mind, Iiro says.